Monday, July 31, 2006

Hot tips

Sitting in the hairdresser, you get to read magazines so trashy they make Heat look like the New Statesman. I was reading one called (I believe) Love It! Here are some Hot Tips from the letters page of Love It!, expressly for you:

from Mrs Unwin, in Clacton on Sea, Essex:
If you lose a contact lens, pop a pair of tights over the end of your vacuum nozzle and it will get stuck there when you hoover it up! Don't forget to rinse it thoroughly before you put it back in!
Oh Mrs Unwin, you are a card.

from Claire Green in Ipswich:
Always have problems finding paper to wrap your chewing gum in before you throw it away? Keep a plastic pill packet handy and you can store your old chewing gum in there, using the foil to keep it in place. When it's full up, throw it away! (I am not making this up, I swear.)

Just don't say I never give you anything.

Any tips you'd like to share?

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Caught without an umbrella

I went to visit the folks for the first time in a long time, and was struck by these pictures. Some people are close to their families. I guess we are close, in a distant kind of way. No one else knows you in the same way, or shares the same pool of memories.

This picture is of our dogs, gone to the great dog-house in the sky sometime since. Penny (the white one) was the mum, very clever and immensely sly. Behold her sly expression. Bruno was one of her puppies which we kept, as you can see he tormented the life out of her, following her about and leaning on her. He was not the brightest of animals, but very good-natured.


If you saw the original post, you are one of the lucky ones - had to edit out other photos after protest from sister - soz!

"Memories come down and me once again
caught without an umbrella"
Spearhead, Home

Friday, July 28, 2006

Pop Quiz

Um *clears throat nervously* so I was thinking, there's all these bloggers in London, and most of us seem to like pop music, and it can be a bit awkward When Bloggers Meet, but if you have another activity to focus on it breaks the ice, so what I was thinking right, was that we could have a kind of... pop quiz/pub quiz/blogmeet... And so our friends outside of London/the UK were not left out they could maybe supply us with some of the questions.

I'm thinking maybe around September, when people tend to come back from summer holidays and some of us return to school and have nothing to look forward to except work...

What do you reckon? *waits for tumbleweed*

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Random question meme

Sorry for the lazy meme, the sun has turned my brain to marmalade. Seen over at QE's. Note the slight American bias... As usual I won't tag but do let us know if you do it...

Have you had sex in the past 24 hours? No. *Sob*
Are you gay? No. But never say never.
Do you have hairy legs? Not if I can help it.
Do you smoke anything? It’s a sore question at the moment.
Do you like monkeys? Yes. Orang-utans for preference.
How many fillings do you have? Good lord, a mouthful. Addicted to sweeties when I was little.
Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake? Either, we’re sadly lacking both in London. Hampstead Ladies Pond is nearest I guess.
Have you ever licked one of those square batteries? I’ve never licked any batteries. Do they taste good?
Have you ever read the Bible? Bits of it. Got a bit bored with all the ‘begatting’. But I feel the lack of it every day.
Did you ever go to Sunday School? No. Though my dad tried to make me go to Heider, which is the Jewish equivalent (on a Saturday.)
Do you wear a lot of black? Yes, almost exclusively for years til I discovered colours.
Did you ever bring a weapon to school? Only if you count hairspray.
Have you ever hugged a tree? Get down, what do you think, I’m some kind of hippy?
Do you know what a sphincter actually is? Yes. Moving swiftly on…
Describe your hair? It’s the bane of my life. At the merest hint of rain, it turns into frizz, as though I have stuck my finger in an electric socket.
Are you a wildbeast? Yes. A tiger in the sack (boom boom)
Do you like to have fun? No, having fun for me is virtually synonymous with feeling anxious.
Do you like drama? An interesting question. I like watching drama, and could do with a bit more personal drama, but am not a prima donna, no way.
Have you ever taken a bong hit? Yes, in another lifetime.
Do you like mayonnaise? Yes, though it’s bad and wrong.
Are you afraid to die? Of course, like every sentient being.
Do you like playing in leaves? Not after the dog poo experience.
Have you ever peed your pants as an adult? No, thank the lord.
Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult? Only on myself. Bah!
Are you an adult? To all appearances, yes.
Ever won a spelling bee? Lame question…
Do you ever eat because you’re depressed? No, I much prefer drinking and taking drugs.
Are you a television addict? No, have replaced it with blogging.
Do you think OJ was guilty? CLEARLY!
Do you enjoy spending time with your mother? Yes, though it doesn’t happen often.
Have you ever had sex in a hot tub? I’ve never even been in a hot-tub.
On a swing? No. This questionnaire is beginning to make me depressed.
Do you like Elvis? No, he always sounds like an Elvis impersonator to me.
Do you enjoy watching animals “do it” on the Discovery channel? No. (freaks…)
Ever been hit on at a zoo? The last time I went to the zoo I was about 11, so am glad to say no.
Have you ever had sex with a total stranger? Ah, a philosophical question. Can we ever really say we know anyone? Aren’t we all total strangers? Etc etc.
Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys? WTF…?
Does your mom think someone is hot? I believe she has a soft spot for Yul Bryner.
Are you a sugar freak? Not any more
Ever been arrested? No. God, I need to get out more.
Ever commit a crime and get away with it? Um… fare-dodging?
Do you like orange juice? Yes, especially when accompanied by vodka.
What sign are you? A schizophrenic, introvert/extrovert Cancer/Leo
Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly? No, but I will at the earliest opportunity.
Where do you wish you were right now? In the outdoor swimming pool at Barceloneta, with a view to the sea.
Did you enjoy this? Yes, though the Discovery Channel question was a low point.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Quitter

Don'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarette
don'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarette
don'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarette
don'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarette
don'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarette
don'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarette
don'twantacigarettedon'twantacigarette...

(Etc.)

Aah, lovely cigarettes...

Monday, July 24, 2006

Gatecrashers

This comic was written/illustrated by an old friend who I've lost touch with - it only took him 5 years to get it together and never came out, so I was very happy to find belatedly that he's posted it online. Check it out!

Mistaken identity

So there I am, wandering day-dreamily around the pound store in Roman Road, looking for toy cars and dinosaurs (til I remember that school's out for summer! For six weeks! No toys necessary.) when a loud man, sunburned in a string vest, hails me.

'It's that fackin' cow again, she's a pain in the arse everywhere you go...'
I turn around and he looks taken aback. Considerably less loudly, he says to his companion 'I thought it was 'er that works in the cafe.'

Ever seen a chav blush?

Friday, July 21, 2006

Wishlist

It's my birthday today. I'm hiding under the bed and refusing to come out.

I could be tempted to come out from under the bed though. You know what I've always wanted (apart from one of these, that I'll be spending all my pocket money on)? Many comments in the comments box. And compliments, because I'm feeling old and past-it. Some serious shmoozing is required. So leave a comment, de-lurk yourself... visit my Flickr photos... knock yourselves out... It doesn't take much to make me happy.

Take a look at this birthday calculator. I'm 18,325,988 minutes old and feeling every one of them.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Asking for it

I guess, by posting a picture of xxxx once upon a time, and I hate to lose the ridiculous amount of hits from her German fans, but this has to be done:-

No Cher here. You hear me? No Cher. Go home.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Shooting London

When Emma, Sarah and Vanessa said they come and shoot London with me, they never suspected it would be during a rare London heatwave. So props to the ladies for pounding the mean city streets on one of the hottest days we've had so far, with special mention going to Bad Sarah for attending in a fragile state and on no sleep. (Okay, so she sloped off to take care of 'something urgent in the office' - and Ness had to go and 'take the dog out' - hmmmm... but Em hung on in there til the bitter end, go Em!)

Somehow don't think we'll win - we kept bumping into fellow competitors with proper fuck-off cameras with big old telephoto lenses - but it was a great day. And if we do get a photo exhibited in County Hall, you're all invited.

Incidentally, here are the 'open' clues, for which you had to invent an image. What would you have chosen?
1. Trucks prefer it for 'successful living'.
2. Find E=mc2's doppelganger.
3. 2012 - what are you going to compete in?

A necessary pitstop, featuring the lovely Sarah's feet. Click to see the set of photos which didn't make the final cut.


Old men's pub in Pimlico
Originally uploaded by Slaminsky.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Good looking people

and your hostess. From left to right, top to bottom:

Billy
Universal Soldier
Del
me
Adrian
Sarah
Anxious
Shyha
Heather
Greavsie
Rad
Jamie
Andre
Bad Sarah
Prolix
Matt

Want to be in our gang? It's never too late...

Original post here

Playlist

Frustrated with my ignorance (can't they do blogging evening classes or something? Must contact the City Lit) because, inspired by Del and Patroclus, I want to put more music here.

Until I can I'm cheekily relying on the Hype Machine and YouTube, to bring you some heart tunes:

Heartbeats - The Knife
Heart Of Glass - Blondie
Heart Attack and Vine - Tom Waits (but prefer Screaming Jay Hawkins' version)
Head and Heart - John Martyn

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I want you

Yes, YOU. Send me your photos, if you haven't already. (Doodles and drawings, etc, also accepted.)



This is Sam Taylor-Wood's Self Portrait As A Tree, to inspire you.



Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Politics

There's a new cleaner started. The old cleaner was tall, male, and pretty monosyllabic. The new cleaner is short, female, and at first seemed a bit more sociable, ie would return your smile and say hello. But she's started to get stroppy with me.

'This classroom's a tip!' she spits.
'Yes' I agree politely. 'Because we had parents' evening for the last two nights and you weren't able to clean, remember?'

Today she's banging around and wielding her mop with excessive ferocity, like your other half who's in a sulk with you but won't come out with it.
'How come there's all these water bottles here?' she explodes eventually.
'Well, we don't have water fountains, so they bring water bottles in. They're supposed to take them home, but they forget...' I tail off weakly.
'Oh, so that's why there's all this water here...'

Oy vey. I have a whole year of this ahead, of getting to the end of the day & breathing a sigh of relief, & trying to plan in peace whilst the cleaner crashes around my room sending me silent death rays. Someone is always nagging you in this job, the head, the deputy, the office staff, the government, the kids, the parents - I just didn't expect the cleaner to join in.

I've worked as a cleaner, many times, it's not the greatest of jobs but at least you're free to get on with it by yourself. I want to say this to her. Also, that I try to get them to clear up after themselves, but they are pretty young. And it sometimes takes a low priority after teaching them maths and English and science and stuff. Also, if you don't like cleaning mate, you're in the wrong job. And also, fuck off. But I don't wish to antagonize her.

I need help, people, I need tactics, I need strategies. What would you do?

Friday, July 07, 2006

To sell out or not to sell out

Dear Annie, [says the email]

We at [Name of website] love your blog (http://slaminsky.blogspot.com/) and would like to sponsor you by purchasing a couple of direct html text links on your home page. We typically pay between £15 to £30 per month (depending on various factors) paid either quarterly or semi-annually in advance for a year’s contract.

Very very excited. They want to sponsor little old me! I'll be like a famous footballer, or Beyonce!

Hold on a minute though - is this just a polite type of spam? Is everyone getting these? What do you reckon?


Thursday, July 06, 2006

What's your Brazilian footballer name?

Find out your Brazilian footballer name.

From now on, I wish to be known as Annildo. What's yours?

(Link courtesy of flatmate L. )

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Self-Portrait

This one requires a little co-operation, so bear with me - it won't work without you.

Reading Cream's latest (look at his smiley eyes!) about self-portraits, which came via Calamity Tat, I thought that it would be fantastic to do a post with photos of you all, dear readers.

But some people like the anonymity, so what I was thinking is for people to email me their photo self-portraits but they can interpret it how they want, either a photo of themselves, or a detail like Cream, or a reflection, or maybe just something which sums them up and that they identify with. (Can't express for example just how much of a person is crevealed by, say, their shoes. Just take a look at my trainers, they tell you a million things. Not least that I should get a new pair of trainers.)


I'll put the photos of my Flickr account and then post them here with your links, which will give a revealing snapshot of this little blog's readers at this moment in time. Or be a lot of pretentious nonsense, you decide.

*Thinks to self, everyone will either go 'yay!' or it will crash and burn*

Monday, July 03, 2006

Why

can't you get Led Zeppelin online? I have a strong desire to listen to Physical Graffitti and it is nowhere to be found.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Football: a pundit writes

When watching football taking place in another country, men think their team will score on lung-power alone. C'mon! C'mon England! (Psst - they can't hear you...)

They will not applaud the daring and bravado of the opposing team. On the contrary, a particularly fine pass or tackle will bring on an attack of Anglo-Saxon language.

Is it fair to abuse the referee for sending someone off when he knees another player in his family jewels, even if that someone is a highly paid striker with a face like a spud?

Everyone should lay off Owen Hargreaves. He is the only one who scored on the penalty shootout. And he's a cutie.

Owen Hargreaves. Bless him.