Monday, September 25, 2006

Rock n'roll

Oh, how I want to. But I am old and past it. But free gigs! And free CDs! I put it to you, hip young gunslingers of London, that this would be right up your alley.


Thursday, September 21, 2006

Read between the lines

Anybody remember Home and Away? How there was always some scamp, some young runaway breezing into town, on the lam from somewhere, a broken family home maybe or from a juvenile facility for pilfering sweeties or something. And they'd be all broke and homeless, telling their woes to Ailsa in the cafe*, and she'd utter the immortal line, 'Why don't you come and work here love?'

Bam! They'd have a shift or three in the cafe to tide them over until their real career turned up.

All my life I've waited for those 3 little words, 'Work for me'. As Wyndham has so eloquently described, job interviews are hell, just the idea of the whole hideous process of finding a new job makes me weary to my very marrow. Anybody want me to come and work for them, love?

* Played by Judy Nunn. In 2004, Judy made a surprising leap into the music business with a string of dance hits sampling her Home and Away dialogue, including the 2005 Sex Over The Phone, which charted in Estonia but was withdrawn in the UK following allegations of chart fixing. - Wikipedia.


Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Model year

This was written a year ago, so is a bit out of date...

M is my new friend. She's a nurse, from Mauritius, an exotic mix of every nationality you can think of. She's the slimmest girl you've ever seen, looks like a gazelle. We went out for her birthday, and what do you think her halfwit boyfriend gave her as a birthday present (bearing in mind she is so slim, you wonder that her legs don't snap in two when she walks around on them)? Was it:

a) jewellery?
b) perfume?
c) an exercise bike?

Yes, you've guessed it. He got her an exercise bike. The mollusc.

M's extreme slimness reminds me of my year of models. For some reason, they kept popping up in my life. It was the year I moved back to London after university. I was sharing a house with 3 boys and 1 girl, two of the boys were photographer's assistants. Sometimes we used to go out with their friends, all photographers, models, fashionistas and indie band types. They were less Vogue and Versace, more The Face and, um, Fara charity shop, into hanging out in grim pubs in King's Cross or Dalston for kicks.

Even drinking with these people was no fun when sitting next to them made you feel like a heifer. And let me tell you, there's nothing more demoralising than living with cute boys who spend all day taking pictures of Kate Moss (really) then come home to you. Oh sure, they said they didn't fancy the models, but did one of them ever make a pass? They did not.

So that was first incident of the models. Then I went to join a temping bureau, and found myself sitting on a sofa alongside many tall, freakishly thin and beautiful girls, all chatting to each other about New York and Milan. Turned out my temp agency shared their reception with Storm, but I found myself wanting to apologise to the receptionist and assure her that I wasn't delusional or anything.

Then I went to see my flatmate's textile degree show. In her year was a certain famous musician's daughter, who's since gone on to have a stellar (ahem) career in fashion. Whilst the other students got to use normal models, this girl called in some favours & got Naomi and Kate to model her collection. As soon as her stuff had been paraded down the catwalk by the supermodels, the photographers from the newspapers got up and left, pretty gutting for the other students who had sweated for 3 years over their degrees, I'm sure you'll agree. But that's a whole other story.

In an attempt to feel good about our lardy selves, now when we see a model on TV, me & the flatmates always have to hiss "Skinnybitch!" Yet you can't help being fascinated by them. Which is why I'm waiting impatiently for the final of "America's Next Top Model" competition on Living TV. My money's on Yoanna to win.*

*update... Yoanna won!

Monday, September 18, 2006

World's longest meme

Apologies for the silence, I have been snowed under and struggling with technical difficulties. (Starting back at school so this is my excuse, I won't be posting for a while.)

This was seen at Billy's, I enjoy answering these things but you may lose the will to live by the end of it.

1. Your first grade teacher: Can’t remember. (Don’t expect the kids to remember me either.)

2. Last word you said: Bye!
3. Last song you sang: Dreams. Having a bit of a Fleetwood Mac moment – the shame…
4. Last person you hugged: My nephew.
5. Last thing you laughed at: Dylan Moran. We saw him do stand-up last night in the Hammersmith Apollo.. I would rather be a bull-fighter and risk being gored to death by an angry bull for a living than ever do stand-up as a job, so hats off to him. (He was v funny.)
6. Last time you said I don’t remember: A highly important discussion about the name of an actor in some film we had seen.
7. Last time you cried: Reading about the 22 year old father stabbed to death in East London.
8. What colour socks are you wearing: black
9. What’s under your bed: drawers filled with secret & arcane objects that I cannot write about here.
10. What time did you wake up today: 5.45 am. It's not natural.
11. Current taste: California Zinfandel. Loving the rose when the sun's out.
12. Current hair: bad hair. As always.
13. Current annoyance: weather. Hot/cold/hot/cold/rain/sun/rain/sun… what’s a girl to wear?
14. Current longing: Nicotine. Still.
15. Current desktop background: Picture of the ducks in Victoria Park
16. Current worry: Anxiety dreams about work. Bah.
17. Current hate: Hatred is bad for your blood pressure.
18. Current favourite article of clothing: A wrap dress, first dress bought in years.
19. Favourite physical feature of the preferred sex: Back of the neck is very appealing. Also shoulders, hands, mouth, eyes, legs, bum… ahem.

20. Last CD that you listened to: Sly and The Family Stone
21. Favourite place to be: In bed
22. Least favourite place: Staffroom at 8.00 am Monday morning
23. Time you wake up in the morning: 5.45. Like clockwork. Except when I get the 3.00 am, 4.00 am and 5.00 am wakey-wakeys, which are a drag.
24. If you could play an instrument, what would you play: For coolness, the guitar or the drums. For the sound, a trumpet.
25. Favourite colour: Red
26. Do you believe in an afterlife: only in the sense that we fertilize the ground and come back as tomatoes.
27. How tall are you: Do you know, I never measured. Something like 5' 6.”
28. Current favourite word/saying: Do you know what I mean?
29. Favourite book: Just one? Okay then – Cherry by Mary Karr
30. Favourite season: Summer
31. One person from your past you wish you could go back to see: any of the grandparents.
32. Where do you want to go for university?: Don’t make me go back again…
33. What is your career going to be like: This is for young folk, isn’t it? My career is pitiful…
34. How many kids do you want: somewhere in the region between 0 and 2

Have you ever...
35. Said “I love you” and meant it (with the opposite sex) Yes. And no.
36. Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish: No
37. Been to New York: Yes yes yes, my kind of town. I liked Brooklyn even better than Manhattan last time...
38. Been to Florida: No
39. Been to the Bahamas: no
40. Been to Mexico: no, but would go and see Frida Kahlo's house first thing if I could.
41. Been to China: No
42. Been to Canada: Yes, age 5. Up the CN Tower, Tallest Building In The World. And got lost at Niagara Falls (everyone wears yellow raincoats and looks the same, I got separated from my party and nearly ended up with a group of Japanese tourists.)
43. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: No, I have very surreal dreams usually which bear no relation to real life. Often to do with submerged cities and tidal waves for some reason. Maybe I'm having prophetic visions of the distant future...?

Random
45. Do you have a crush on someone: Only on Keanu (my default crush when no one real is in the running.)
46. What book are you reading now?: East End Chronicles, a history of East London. I won’t tell you why Houndsditch is called Houndsditch. And Beyond Black, by Hilary Mantel, which is the darkest thing I've read in a long time...
47. Worst feeling in the world: Losing someone you love
48. What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: It can’t be morning already…
49. How many rings before you answer: I never answer. Voicemail is a fine invention.
50. Future daughter’s name: Bathsheba
51. Future son’s name: Ezekiel
52. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no. I am not 7.
53. If you could have any job you wanted: I would have Wolfgang Tillmans’ job
54. Where do you wish you were: In my own house.
55. Piercings: In the ears.

The extra stuff
57. Do you do drugs: Hardly ever.
58. Do you drink: Oh yes.
59. What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: Aveda when I’m feeling rich, it really works
60. What are you most scared of: One of the kids in my care getting injured.
61. What clothes do you sleep in: a vest.
62. Who is the last person that you called: my friend Rachael
63. Where do you want to get married: Never. Never getting married. Brrrrr…
64. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be: I would like to swap faces and bodies with Nastassia Kinski
65. Who do you really hate: Chris Moyle. Why is he?
66. Been in love: Hmmmmm…
67. Are you timely or always late: Usually timely
68. Do you have a job: Yes
69. Do you like being around people: No, not really.Always quite liked the idea of working with plants, that don't talk back.
70. Best feeling in the world: Do I have to spell it out?
71. Are you for world peace: No, I’m all for chaos, war and misery. Duh!
72. Are you a health freak: Ha ha ha!
73. Do you have a “Type” of person you always go after: Yes, usually if they’re not interested it works for me…
74. Do you want someone you don’t have?: No one specific
75. Are you lonely right now: No
76. Ever afraid you’ll never get married: Can categorically say no.

In the last 48 hours, have you:
78. Cried: No
79. Bought Something: Coffee. Bread. Shoes. And a raincoat.
80. Gotten Sick: No
81. Sang: Yes (when alone. I would never inflict my voice on other people.)
82. Said I Love You: Nope. (Wow, obsessed or what?)
83. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: No, I’m English, goddammit. Stiff upper lip and all that.
84. Met Someone: flatmate L, colleagues, 30 kids, Rachael, Dylan Moran (from a distance)
85. Moved On: Only in the temporal sense
86. Talked to Someone: Yes, flatmate, colleagues, friends, kids at school ("sit on your bottoms! on your bottoms!" it is quite unbelievable, how many times a day I utter this phrase.)
87. Had A Serious Talk: No.
88. Missed Someone: No, I am a rock, I am an island.
89. Hugged Someone: Yes
90. Yelled at Someone: No. Sometimes I raise my voice at the kids, but try not to yell.
91. Dreamed About Someone You Can’t Be With: Yes, I did, how weird.

Feel free to pick your favourite question & answer it in the comments box. Don't be shy...

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Ouch

I had a hangover.

I got in the shower.

I dropped the shower gel.

I bent to pick it up.

I smacked my head against the window sill. Very Hard.

Pain x 2.

Now I have a charming bruise and cut on my forehead, and feel a bit dizzy.
And yesterday I was dancing around getting ready to go out (as you do) when I whacked my funny bone against the doorframe, getting another nice bruise and scratch. Don't know what's the matter with me at the moment, seem to have lost all gross motor skills.


Rubbish song lyrics

There are some corkers out there, aren't there? Was listening to Sunny on the iPod yesterday (Boney M, not Dusty Springfield - yes, I know) when it struck me that this is possibly the most clunking metaphor in any song ever written in the history of the world:

"My life was torn like windblown sand
And a rock was formed when you held my hand"

(Though a close contender might be ''We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks'', from Bonnie Tyler's appalling 80s torch song 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'.

Think you've got better rubbish song lyrics? Let's hear it, then.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Pop Quiz (3)

Hey pop fans

next Tuesday is the Big Gay Pop Quiz (thank you Patroclus) at the Retro Bar. It starts at 9.00 pm (way past my bedtime on a schoolnight*) so I suggest we meet in Embankment tube at 8.00 pm in order to get a table, it's a pretty small pub.

Up to 4 a team, £1.00 per person, & does not go on too long. I'll be wearing the red carnation (or alternatively, you can recognise me by this recent photo). Leave me a comment or email me if you're coming so we know to wait for you.
* I apologise in advance if I appear a bit sleepy.

Hasta pronto...

NB: MEET IN EMBANKMENT TUBE - NOT CHARING CROSS TUBE - IT'S NEARER!



Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Elegantly dressed Wednesday

This here blog is a year old, more or less, which makes it practically geriatric in dog years. Go read my first post where I was wittering away to myself in cyberspace like a saddo, go on.*

Back in the day, I came across sites that did this 'Half Naked Thursday' meme, in which they would post photos of bits of themselves, well, half naked. But the suave and sophisticated Quink has a much better idea, in posting photos of elegantly dressed people in order to raise the tone on the interweb. Don't know if it will be a regular feature here, but here is the most beautiful redhead of them all looking extremely elegant, Rita Hayworth in Gilda, the best film noir ever made.

YouTube of Rita Hayworth singing 'Put the Blame on Mame'

*Interestingly enough it's on dating, which I decided to have a go at, it's only taken a year to come around to the idea. Don't like to rush things, me.

Monday, September 04, 2006

An open letter to Google Mail

Dear Google Mail,

I know you think it's cute to post actual spam recipes in my spam mail folder, but it brings back bad memories. Specifically bad memories of being forced to eat spam in primary school by sadistic dinner ladies (when I was a kid, not in my current place of work).*

This only came to end after the following conversation:

Dinner lady: Eat it all up.
5 years old Annie: I don't like it.
Dinner lady: Don't be silly! Come on, I'm standing here until you finish it.
Annie: It makes me feel sick.
Dinner lady: You're so fussy! Come on, just one mouthful. Come on... I'm putting it on the fork for you... that's it...
Annie: [pukes all over the dinner lady's shoes.]
Dinner lady: !!!


Kindly cease and desist with the spam recipes. Thank you.

* for which reason, I am a libertarian these days when it comes to kids' diets. If they wanna survive on chocolate buttons, let 'em.

Incidentally, my mum's kitchen cupboard was the stuff of legend amongst my friends, being packed with every type of chocolate bar and crisp known to man, whereas they were only allowed to snack on nuts and raisins and sunflower seeds, but I found my own way when I was older and my diet's pretty healthy. So there.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Teachers hate September too

Aargh - you think they'd show a little sensitivity to us, with all these 'back to school!' advertising campaigns. Even eBay are tormenting me with totally uncalled-for emails:

eBay slaminsky, get set for school Wed 30 Aug 2006 18k

Today is our first day back and I feel wretched. Anyway, here are two important links, one of which you might have missed in my sidebar (though I know you read these links religiously.) Conversational Terrorism all about those naughty tricks which we all use in arguments - seen at Billy's, it is very funny and very acute.

and Bad Sarah's friend Tammi the fabulous jazz singer's gig which is on this Saturday in London Town - be there, or the baaadass Canadian will hunt you down and make you sorry.