I don't know what it is because I haven't changed, but what was once so warm, so easy, so fun, is now filled with awkward uncomfortable silences. How he can turn it off like a tap, just like that, I'm left baffled. His eyes used to light up, but now when I walk in the room, I can feel the silent waves of... something, willing me back out the door again. I don't know how to turn it back to how it was before.
Something has shifted, I've lost the power to please. So you begin to hate yourself, this loser that he doesn't want to be around. I wish I was anyone else. I wish I was S, who he still bothers to flirt with. I'd swap places with her in a second.
He didn't tell me he was leaving to go travelling, he left it to his best friend, with whom there'd always been a bit of rivalry for my attention, so when his best friend tells me he's almost gleeful about it, ( but when he sees how genuinely shaken I am, how gutted, he's more gentle.)
He sends me postcards from Egypt and does funny drawings and signs himself silly names, and there's some comfort in the fact that he was writing to me from another country and bothering to find a stamp and post it. That familar handwriting that I'd know anywhere, brings him back powerfully. But he's not there, he's gone. I miss his writing and the notes he used to push under my door. I miss him. Until one day, I don't anymore, and that's the saddest thing of all.
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10 comments:
Oh. Sorry to hear it. What's brought him back? Is it the current crush, or just random? It's horrible, when we're young and idealistic and romantic and not yet cynical old bastards - not that you're a cynical old bastard, of course - to discover that love and its magic can be transient too, isn't it? Just when we thought we'd discovered the secret to everything.
My solution, by the way, is to draw the curtains and lock yourself up indoors and never meet anyone ever again. Though I accept this might be bad advice.
Hope love comes winging your way today, Annie. You're too good to go unloved.
I trust you got off with the best friend once he'd left the country.
Thank you, darling BiB. I don't know why - suddenly I found myself thinking about him on the bus, hadn't thought about him in years.
You know, one of my kids was stung by a bee today when we were on a trip. I wish it hadn't happened, I didn't want him to experience that pain, I wish I could have stopped it, but then I thought 'In life, at some point you are going to get stung by a bee, and there will always be a first time for that.'
Tim - damn, why didn't I think of that? Idiot! *kicks self retrospectively*
I like the bee analogy.
So the moral of the story must be: "Swat any memories of past fancies from your mind".
Oh I hate to think of you as sad Annie. Something must have set you off - but hideous adage that it is - it will pass. Emotional nostalgia is draining sometimes as it churns up so much.
Poor little boy getting stung by a bee - that's really painful. But how lucky he was that you were there for him. I have never heard a teacher express what you just have which is that you wish you could have stopped his pain. Most teachers like inflicting it in my experience! xx
Istvanski - right.
Thanks, RoMo. You're right. It was just a flashback, it'll pass. I know, poor little sod - and bad teachers, inflicting pain!
Oh my god - this has brought tear to my eye. I feel so sad.
Ahhhh. Bits of our brains never finish dealing with things, do they? You think you've done everything you can to put it behind you and KAPOW.
Buy a pretty bra. It's a short term fix.
Don't be sad Sar, it was just a moment's flashback.
B - I like your thinking. As a matter of passing interest, Figleaves has a summer sale on the Princesse Tam-Tam Delicate half-cup bra in 'Sinful Red'.
I read somewhere that Charles Schulz based the little red haired girl on his first love. She rejected his marriage proposal, and then married someone else less than 6 months later. Which I guess explains why unrequited love dominates Peanuts so much. And why it's the best comic strip in the whole wide world...
Sigh. To lost loves.
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