Beware men with gold teeth

Veronica and Oscar are moving back to Spain. The Spaniards are deserting us, taking with them their innate ability to party all night and get up fresh as a daisy for work the next day. And their horror at our uncivilised attitudes to food. ("You eat potato chips! In the street! In Spain we sit at the table, we drink wine...")

So we went for a goodbye drink in Stoke Newington. Miriam and Ash come out, a rare thing since their little girl was born. Both very happy to be out.

I'm talking to Miriam when a man comes and stands very close to us.
"I fancy a kebab," is his winning line. He has a diamond earring, a beanie hat, a gold tooth smile. He's very drunk. We chat for a while, clearly he's taken a shine to Miriam.
"I'm a married woman, with a little girl," she says. "That's my husband at the bar."
"Me too," he says. "I'm married, I've got 3 kids. They're beautiful."
"Well you're cheeky then. Why aren't you home with your wife and kids?"
Uh oh, I think. She's pouring gasoline on a flammable material.

He wanders off, but circles back with a friend in tow. His friend is small and wiry, with scars all over his face. He takes exception to Miriam telling his mate to step back.
"You're being out of order, " slurs the friend. His face is getting redder and he's starting to shake. For some reason I think of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. "I could... I would go over there and smack my glass over your husband's head."
I try a diversionary tactic.
"Have you known your friend long?" I say, like we're chatting at a garden party.
"38 years!" he says.
"Wow, you're joking, you don't look 38."
He almost blushes, but isn't distracted for long. He's casting dangerous looks at Ash over at the bar. My heart starts to beat fast as I flash through a likely scenario, as Vero's leaving drinks and Miriam's rare night off descend into shouting, glass-smashing, sweet Ash pouring with blood, police and ambulances.
"Let's go," I say, trying to shoosh everyone else out in my best teacher style.
"It's okay" someone says. "Miriam's got it under control." Sure enough, she's sweet-talking them over at the bar. Ash looks relaxed.

Finally Mr Gold Tooth wanders out in search of his kebab, taking Joe Pesci with him (though not before a finale in which he tries to sell us an E.) And I breathe a sigh of relief. I'm no good at violence.