Return of the ASBO family

I've had my issues with the ASBO family from upstairs - the time when every time they flushed, their waste water was somehow overflowing into our bath; the time we took in an elderly neighbour who they'd threatened with a knife; the operatic nightly rows of the mother and the moody teenage son; the time they dropped a machete into our back garden - but recently they've been strangely quiet, and I've almost missed them.

But not last night. At 3.00 in the morning, their TV (living room just over my bedroom) went on full blast. It's 3.00 am, I've just been in REM sleep. I cannot, CANNOT, be arsed to get out of bed, put on dressing gown, go downstairs, out into the cold, climb the concrete staircase up to their flat, knock on the door and ask them to turn it down. It's more than mortals can bear.

So I get out of bed, and bang the supersonic mouse noise repeller against my ceiling, WHACK, WHACK WHACK, in the hopes that this will transmit itself via a crude morse code into 'It's 3.00 am, turn the telly down, some of us have to be up at 6.00, you selfish cunts.' There is no change in the volume. I detach the end of my curtain pole and ram it against the ceiling, really bouncing up and down on the bed now in order to optimize the force and volume of the whacks against the ceiling. Whack whack whack. Whack whack whack whack whack.

Still no change. Are they deaf? Somehow I remember that I might have their phone number from when we had to get the plumber in to check their pipes. I go downstairs to find it... and guess what? It's MY TV that has somehow, mysteriously (and somewhat spookily) turned itself on and is making all the racket.

Sorry, ASBO neighbours. You must think I'm a psycho.

Fashion halp

One for the ladies (and the fashion-forward men) as Halp is closed for business at the moment.

I bought a silver dress from Beyond Retro but it has a split right up the middle. If I was Sienna Miller (or this was the 60s, the era of this dress) I'd probably wear it with only my pants on and look fabulous, but don't really have the legs to carry this look off. What should I wear underneath, fashionistas?

Star Wars vs Star Trek

Oh. My. God.

You HAVE to watch this video by Lichtfaktor, amazing lighting/graffitti artist. (I'd put it in my Delicious links, but no one ever bothers with them.)

Purely a work of art. Flickr set here

My little pony

'Go away. We're talking about girls' things.'
'I can be a girl too. I can talk about horses and periods...'

Male friend of Annie's (who'd been at a mixed boarding school), circa 1994

This was his impression of the things that mattered to girls. (Well, he had a point. My Little Pony was a cynical, brilliant idea of genius, invented by someone who understood that the things little girls love more than anything are a) horses and b) brushing hair, and who combined them in one appalling yet strangely seductive plastic toy.) He was not so interested in horses and periods, but did not want to be left out of the girls' conversation .

What traits do you find most intriguing about the opposite sex then?

Me first - I find men's fascination with facts and figures intriguing. The way their eyes light up if they come across Schott's Original Miscellany or Wisden or the like. Is it something genetic, do you reckon?

Right brained or left brained?

Check it out. Which one are you?

(Seen on FridayCities. I am a day-dreaming right-brainer with no logic or mathematical skills, natch. Can't believe that ANYBODY can see her going anti-clockwise, though apparently if you focus you can change her direction.)

The dream of the fisherman's wife

or, today I bring you Octopus P_orn.


Taken from the highly entertaining show of smut erotic art at the Barbican. Thanks to Bad Sarah for bringing it to my attention.



And can I just say - Robert Mapplethorpe - ouch, ouch, ouch!

Everyone on the internet is a big fat fibber

Mind boggling true story of sex, lies and internet on Jezebel.

I love the twist in the tale - I bet you can spot it coming a mile off, but I am someone who was genuinely amazed at the ending of the Sixth Sense and The Others. Doh.

I saw this on someone else's site, I forget where - sorry if it was yours.

the Eel

the Eel (super-cool fanzine for local people) are publishing my Hackney A-Z photo in their December issue. What very great taste they have.

Available for an entirely reasonable £1.00 from Rough Trade and your classier emporiums, or you can view it for free on my Flickr stream.

Woo-hoo!

Control

A movie review in bullet points:

• It does look beautiful, in black and white, as you'd expect from Anton Corbijn
• Old Anton somehow managed to find an actor who was beautiful, yet the spitting image of Ian Curtis, who wasn't very beautiful at all. Same same for Barney, Hooky, &, er, the other one. So, glossy but a bit unconvincing.
  
• Samantha Morton is such a powerful actress, you have to be careful casting her - she tends to blow everyone else off the screen and make them seem like amateurs
  
• Makes old Ian seem quite normal and demystifies him but still doesn't do as good a job as 24 Hour Party People, in which he comes across as barking mad and scary and is just seen a) calling Anthony Wilson a cunt and b) hanging himself
• Somehow this meshed more with the picture I had in my head after obsessive listening to Joy Division as a teenager - after all, who calls their band after the Nazi's brothels, and writes songs with apocalyptic lyrics, other than someone very, very dark? Joy Division were pretty dark, and New Order were all sweetness and light - Control doesn't seem to capture that side of him at all.
• What is it with the 2 hour movies these days? Am I imagining it, or did they use to be 1 hour and a half, max? Directors of the world - your movies are rarely worth two hours of my life. After 180 mins, my arse is crying out for mercy - in this case, I was ashamed to find myself thinking 'Oh just get on with it and hang yourself.'
  

Hackney vignette

Friday evening. There's a knock on the door. It's a young man wearing a suit, at first I think he's a Jehovah's Witness, but no:

'Hi, I'm a journalist from the Mail on Sunday. I just wanted to ask - did you see a car-jacking that took place in this street this week?'

'No... but if I had, do you think I would speak to someone from your nasty Nazi rag about it? Be off with you, or I'll set the dogs on you' is what I didn't say.

(What a wasted opportunity to abuse a minion from the Mail. And now I think about it - door-stepping people about car-jacking - utterly bizarre!)

Half-arsed

Q: Why is homophobia more acceptable than racism?
A: I don’t know, why is homophobia more acceptable than racism?

I know, let us ask the Department for Children, Families and Schools; they seem to have given carte blanche to faith schools. (and while I’m up here on my high horse, why do we have faith schools? Religion has no place in school, [except Comparative Religion, which I would argue for.])

Let’s play a little game – I’ve replaced words like ‘homosexuals’ ‘family values’ ‘sinful’ and ‘single sex relationships’ in the paragraphs from their advice on new legislation below – see if you can spot where I have replaced them!

• ... the concerns expressed are that faith schools will no longer be able to teach according to an aspect of their belief or faith — such as the superiority of white people and the inferiority of black people.
• .…if a faith school (or indeed any school) teaches that the Christian and Muslim faiths decree that black people are racially inferior then the school will not be acting unlawfully.
  
• Similarly, if a pupil asks a teacher his views on Judaism and the teacher gives his view that Jews are sinful, then again, that teacher will not be acting unlawfully.

They talk a lot of sense really, these faith schools. I think we should bring back the cane while we’re at it. Or hell, why not, schools should also be granted powers to perform exorcisms, witchhunts and trial by fire and water.

In respect of schools with a religious character, the DfES Guidance goes on to say:-

"However, many views on sexual orientation are entrenched in religious belief and this has led to some misunderstanding and to concerns being expressed about the impact that these regulations will have on religious freedom in faith schools. Non-denominational maintained schools and voluntary controlled denominational schools teach Religious Education (RE) according to the locally agreed syllabus and voluntary aided schools teach RE according to the tenets of their faith. However, the concerns expressed are that faith schools will no longer be able to teach according to an aspect of their belief or faith - which is the importance of traditional family values and that single-sex relationships are sinful. There are similar concerns about the possibility that individual teachers expressing their views in this area, whether based on their religion or not, might be the subject of legal action.

The regulations will not prevent any of this. So for example, if a faith school (or indeed any school) teaches that the Christian and Muslim faiths decree that same-sex sexual activity is a sin then the school will not be acting unlawfully. Similarly, if a pupil asks a teacher his views on homosexuality and the teacher gives his view, then again, that teacher will not be acting unlawfully. In both cases, the subject must be dealt with appropriately in accordance with existing DfES guidance. Haranguing or harassing a particular student or group of students is not an acceptable way to convey a belief within an educational context, and such behaviour could constitute unlawful discrimination."