It is Em's leaving drinks. We have the best corner table in the Crown in Clerkenwell. As some of our friends leave, a group of blokes sit down at our other table and fixate on us, I mean, really glaring across the table.
The Crown is one of those cool London pubs where people would rather poke their eyes out with a sharp stick than give you inadvertent eye contact. What's all this? From their voices, it's apparent they're not from round these parts. Middlesborough, I'd hazard a guess. They're trying to get our attention. Soon I hear the phrase 'load of lesbians' drifting across the table. 'I think you should ask these girls to the party' one of them says loudly. 'I think they're having their OWN party' says one of them, suggestively. His mates ignore him.
Eventually one of them muscles in on Em and Rebecca's conversation. He starts trying to guess how old they are. I think I hear him tell Rebecca that she looks older as she has more lines around her eyes, and Em that she looks younger because her face is rounder. They are both hooting with laughter. 'You don't give up, do you? That's the beauty of you...' I hear Em say.
I go outside for a cigarette with Yasmin. Two of them follow us out. 'You' one of them says to me. 'You have got the most gorgeous, perfect arse. Don't let anyone tell you different.' 'Um' I say. 'Thank you.' 'No really' he persists 'it's just a really great arse. It makes this beautiful peach shape when you sit down.' He walks in a circle around me to check it out. 'I feel like a dog' I mutter to Yasmin. 'And I wouldn't be telling you, only I'm a bit drunk.' He smiles winningly at me. 'It's the hair/hat combination I like' says his friend.
Considering I'm standing next to Yasmin, who is absolutely gorgeous and wearing fishnet stockings, heels, and a lowcut little black dress, at the same time as being mortally embarrassed I'm feeling quite pleased with the attention. I don't know if this is the 'chat up the mate to get the attention of the bombshell' tactic, but it's working for me.
'Man, he was proper checking you out, innit?' says Yasmin as we head back inside.
'You have got a great arse' has got to be the most crass, least smooth chat-up line I've ever heard. It is the kind of thing you'd never ever hear from a Londoner. They would never walk behind you and stare at your bum, however pissed. Tsk, neanderthal Northerners.
Yet today, I am feeling strangely positive and upbeat.
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Yet today, I am feeling strangely positive and upbeat
Having a great arse does that for you. It's why females gorillas are such positive upbeat creatures.
Ha, very uplifting. Great tale.
I hope you did London proud and gave him a suitably cheeky answer. Did you say, for example, "'ere, go on then, come 'ere and gissa snog"? I should bloody well hope so.
Ooh, I think I've been to that pub. No-one commented on my arse but I think I remember paying 17 quid for a pint of (what's here) bog-standard German beer.
I miss Clerkenwell. It's all snobby Westminster now.
Yet today, I am feeling strangely positive and upbeat.
Scary isn't it?
Nevermind you and yer bleedin' arse, what happened at the lezzers' party?
Hey, Gorilla Bananas. According to Wikipedia, 'Recently, gorillas have been observed engaging in face-to-face sex, a trait that was once considered unique to humans and the Bonobo...' must be that, and the fact that they spend all day eating, that keeps them so cheerful.
Cheers, Quink!
I was taken aback by the direct approach, BiB. Plus I didn't fancy him. There was another lovely man outside the pub, with a beautiful Alsatian, that I was talking to, I would have kissed him no problem, but I think he was gay. (It would be so much easier if only people would wear little badges.)Yes, that's gastropubs for you. Maybe the recession will mean that we will nurse a pint for 5 hours and all drink less.
Oye, Billy, are you in Westminster? Surely a step up from Hounslow?
Hi Jayne - what, being flattered so easily, or feeling positive?
Istvanski, no no, you see WE were the lezzers... Um...
Ah. That figures why you didn't cop off with those northeners then.
Cheers for the explanation.
Will you be posting about that party soon?
Yes the pubs are better than Hounslow, but I was in Clerkenwell for a bit inbetween, that was good.
Maybe Middlesbrough lezzers don't have arses.
Did you hear what they said to Marie - oh my god it's so funny. They asked her if she wanted to come to the party - they had a Rolls Royce to get there in. She replied that it wasn't good enough for her and she expected a helicopter:)
They were knobs - however, one of them looked really normal and nice. I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring. He wasn't trying to chat up any of us. Rebecca's friend later said that his wife had just died from cancer. I felt bad thinking he was part of knobsville. Guess he was just trying to have a good time.
Once while cycling back from the boathouse after training, wearing black lycra leggings, trainers, and a jacket, I passes a paunchy, middle-aged man on his mountain bike. I passed him easily. He huffed and puffed and a few minutes later caught up with me. I was convinced he didn't want to get "beaten" by a mere girl. Instead he said to me "You've got the lovliest rear-end I've seen in a long time. Thanks for improving the view!" I got a big grin on my face and thanked him for his frankness. Then he turned and took a side road. I never saw him again.
I would but it's probably not half as good as what you're imagining Istvanski, I don't want to ruin your illusions.
Tim, not saying a word about ladies in Middlesborough. Probably best to keep on their good side.
Sar - aw. I didn't talk to him. (Probably too busy trying to hide my award-winning arse from view.)
Northerners are so unrefined.
I can't believe he didn't qualify the 'you've got a nice arse' remark with a 'and I'd quite like to cover it in jam' as a follow up.
Philistines!
Oh yes I told you so actually on Sat night as well! We talked about it but it didn't have the same impact! It is a very nice arse indeed.
The rules are different up north. I have a friend from just outside Middlesbrough, and on one visit up there we went out clubbing. Eye opening simply doesn't cut the mustard. One woman, a good 10 years my senior, eagerly suggested something along the lines of letting her ride me all the way back to her place.
I politely declined, as we hadn't been officially introduced by a mutual acquaintance, and took my leave. Makes 'You have got a great arse' sound positively Byron-esque.
And for the record, I have walked behind a girl and looked at her bum. I've just been rather more subtle about doing so. And got significantly further than he did subsequently, too. Just saying...
Mrs CP - I can believe that, what with all the rowing and the biking and the kick-boxing - I bet it would win prizes.
Rad - yes, unlike your good self...
Thanks Sar! I was just glad the g word was 'great', not 'ginormous' or 'gargantuan' or anything.
Del - ha! Still, how could she resist you. I know I know, girls do it too - but I bet you didn't circle round and act as if you were about to plunge your nose between her butt cheeks, like some frisky Alsatian...
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