My nose was in the Daily Mail.
It was like this. My friend was working on a magazine. Her boss freelanced for the Mail, a section for women (it hurts even to write this) called "Femail". They paid you fifty quid, what can I say, I was young, broke and desperate... they wanted people to talk about parts of their faces they didn't like. Mine was my nose. My friend Gemma, her eyes.
We went along for a photo shoot, where makeup artists put lots of slap on us. There were 2 other women there (mouth and ears?) The atmosphere was quite cheery, until this vision of blonde beauty walked in. "What's wrong with her?" you could see us all thinking. She was a model, sent along by her agency, to represent the "I'm Too Beautiful" angle in the piece.
Everyone tensed up immediately, conscious that their cronky, snaggle-toothed ordinary features had suddenly been thrown into sharp relief by this model, ( at that time presenting on the Big Breakfast.) I felt sorry for her, she didn't think she was Too Beautiful, she'd just turned up where she'd been told to go. Which just goes to show, you can't believe what you read in the papers.
So anyway, they interviewed us. "Who do you most resemble, your mum or your dad?" And a few days later my photo appeared in the Mail, with the caption "Annie: Dad's nose." I felt very, very foolish. I felt even more foolish when I realised that some people actually read the Daily Mail. My boss, for example. "You... you... you made me squeak on the tube! I was reading the paper when I saw you!" And our managing director, who stopped by my desk and said a kind word or two about learning to love yourself as you really are.
To conclude; if anyone from the red tops, the broadsheets, or in fact any other form of newspaper offers you what seems like easy money, learn from my mistake kids - just say no.
About teaching and crying
1 day ago
19 comments:
If your nose was in the Mail, it must presumably be virulently anti-immigration, tough on crime, anti abortion, pro capital punishment and very much against mothers who work full time.
I wonder if your nose and I would get on.
In fact, I wonder if your nose and you get on...
Katy - tee hee! You're right, it's hard having a right-wing reactionary nose when you're a wishy washy liberal.
This Daily Mail headline-generator has been floating around the internet for years I know, but in case you haven't seen it:
http://www.qwghlm.co.uk/toys/dailymail/
(BTW, will someone please tell me how to make a link in the comments? Pretty please.)
If you put this code < a h r e f = " then your link here, then this bit of code "> then the text you want as the hyperlink, perhaps just the link itself. Then this final piece of code < / a > all the code should be entered without the spaces. I put those in to avoid it being read as HTML.
As for your nose, I wonder how it will affect house prices and whether it is any relation to Royal noses, or Hitler's nose...
i'm so impressed that noses in the UK have political convictions.
Just to be sure btw, make sure that you use http:// in the link part (after the quote)
The ultimate Mail headline:
EU-SUBSIDISED ASYLUM-SEEKING PAEDOPHILES PUSH DOWN HOUSE PRICES
The ultimate Express headline:
"EU-SUBSIDISED ASYLUM-SEEKING PAEDOPHILES PUSH DOWN HOUSE PRICES" SAYS GHOST OF MURDERED DIANA
Like this?
Daily Mail Headline Generator
It works it works! Thanks, my virtual friends.
Bravo Tim. My favourite one so far - Will political correctness defraud the memory of Diana?
Would they do an article of puffy-chestitis?
Having long worked in the media relations industry, I can confirm that it's always wise to assume that what you read in the papers is at least partially untrue.
Always look for corroboration, watch out for unnamed sources, watch out for use of the passive voice (e.g. 'terrorists believed to be at large in Littlehampton'), and watch out for words like 'could' and 'may'(e.g. 'terrorists could attack tomorrow') disguising spurious, speculative nonsense as fact. And that last one goes for adverts as well.
Sorry Annie, I'm sure I came in here to say something whimsical on the subject of noses. Must have got sidetracked.
May I recommend Gogol's 'The Nose' for further reading on the subject of noses and their owners having different personalities? Though with a nom-de-blog(ue?) like Slaminsky, perhaps you've already read it
Greavsie, photos of your puffy chest would have the readers of 'Femail' all hot and bothered. I'll ring the editor first thing on Monday...
No no no, Patroclus, don't apologise, we like to hear all the tricks from the insiders.
Though this kind of nonsense article is hardly important in the scheme of things, the dishonesty and manipulation bothers me. My friend (I mean, my friend) interviewed me once for an article in a woman's mag about moving abroad, and changed the dates to make it seem like I just left on a whim,to sound more dramatic, really it took 18 months of saving up and planning. Now someone reads that and thinks, I wish I could just up and leave my job like that, but it's all lies! Lies I tell you! Tch, journos.
BiB, you're kidding me. Really, there's a book written on everything, there's nothing someone hasn't thought of. No, shamefully unfamiliar with the Russian writers. War and Peace still sitting looking at me reproachfully from the bookshelves...
You lot are very bad and distracting, I'm meant to be writing 30 end of term reports you know.
Too bad you can't read Portuguese, there are several poems on long noses by one of the most infamous Portuguese poets...
One thing that has always puzzled me, after being present at a major accident scene, a demonstration, any event big enough to make it to the media... their stories have always been different from my recollections. And no, wasn't stoned nor drunk. Ok, ok, may in some concerts I was...
So is your nose the nose that knows?
The Nose would be a much lighter introduction to the Russkies, if you feel like taking the plunge. And shorter. This nose in question wears uniform, takes cabs, the works. Gogol's a bit of an all-round hoot, actually. (Just in case a stickler huffs, yes, Gogol was Ukrainian, not Russian.)
Dcver, "when the legend becomes fact, print the legend" (The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.) I'm sure you weren't stoned, dear.
Adrian, nobody nose...
BTW, I don't really mind my nose, people. It serves its purpose. I just did it for the money.
BiB, oops, apologies to any passing Ukrainians. I have to read this.
Femail? Ohhhh Annie, the things we do fer money. Okay, I'll stop giggling.
Sound advice. I shall keep it in my heart and remember it always.
Yay, GG! You're back! How we missed you.
Alda, my advice is especially for you. Being as Iceland is small, if you were ever in the papers, I bet you'd never hear the end of it.
My nose is rapidly, as I grow older, turning into my Dad's nose. I'm none to happy about it, I tell you.
I sympathise Matt, but it's so much worse when you're a lady.
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