When I was on placement at a school in East Ham, my TA was a Indian woman in her fifties, with three teenage sons. She had had an arranged marriage in India and they had moved over here to start a family. "You married?" she said. "No." "It's very difficult for you girls now. You have to do everything. Find the job, find the husband... My parents did the work for me."
You could tell she felt deeply, deeply sorry for me. And I could see her point of view. When I was a teenager the idea of arranged marriages horrified me. Now I think it's just as likely (as long as neither are coerced or forced into it) as a love match to work out, or not. I mean, my parent's marriage was a love match, and look how well that worked out! A lot of the Bengali and Indian girls on the PGCE were in arranged marriages and seemed pretty contented.
Only one of them made me think when she said "My husband laughs at stuff that just isn't funny. He's got the weirdest sense of humour." Can you imagine being married to someone whose sense of humour clashes with yours? It's such a basic thing. It's often one of the first things that attracts you to another person. Bizarre.
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11 comments:
Actually, I reckon I know quite a few people who sense of humour is mismatched in a couple but still works. I reckon a matched sense of humour can make up for (or gloss over) a big disconnect in other areas.
I reckon arranged marriages probably have a higher hit rate thane "getting drunk and pulling in a bar". I for one would welcome someone arranging my marriage to Natalie Portmon.
Hmm, blogger seems to have borked and put the "word verification code" as my name. Curious.
Mine and Veronica's sense of humour are utterly compatible - I make a funny joke and she laughs at it. Sorted.
Or is the other way round?
Arranged marriages seem to last for the great majority.
I am confident that the great majority of those that last do so not because of mutual love or sense of humour but because of habit, fear of shame or insecurity from the woman side!
But then I could be totally wrong! My parents' marriage was arranged and they seemed ok.
Until quite recently, lots of marriages in the West were as much to do with money and power as they were with romance. Think Jane Austen. They weren't necessarily "arranged" but they were certainly "encouraged" by parents.
And then there's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
Adrian, I'm surprised - good luck to them though - because for most women I know, good looks and a big, um, bank balance matter less than someone who makes you laugh. Ladies, back me up here. (I'll get on to my contacts in Hollywood re: Natalie Portman. My people will speak to her people.)
Lish - perish the thought. My cousins are lovely but that would just be wrong.
Wyndham, you can't fool me. Veronica was attracted by your extreme handsomeness and you know it.
Cream, hmmm, food for thought. How I'd love to have spoken to your parents. Because most of the people I know whose marriages were arranged are still pretty young and new to it.
Tim, only the middle/upper classes surely? Whilst the working classes have been pretty much free to shag like bunnies and follow their heart's desire. Are you suggesting that Tom and Katie are a match made in a publicist's office? You old cynic you.
I never mentioned looks and bank balance. I know couples who love each other and everything else going for them, but the bloke will do or say something, attempting to be funny, and the girl will say "oh you know X", or the couple really don't find the same sort of comedies funny. I'm just saying you can meet on many levels and humour is only one of them. Although it can be a pretty big level that can make up for other things. A compatible sense of humour does not gaurantee a successful relationship, not does lack of gaurantee a failed relationship.
I know, I just give those as other examples of what people are said to be attracted by.
I agree. Though I think what you find funny signifies something deeper than just humour, it shows how you look at the world. For me it's like politics - if someone has radically different politics from you it doesn't presage a long relationship...
True in most cases but not always. I know an Athethist happily married to a practising Catholic. I know a Tori married to a Labour. most governments are left of centre right of center with very little really to choice between them. So as long as one of you isn't totally different ... oh wait you said that ... never mind me.
I reckon you can graph it, and as long as their is enough overlap over the right areas anything can work.
Well if the sex is good it can.
Sense of humour and conversation, they're a MUST. My second brother got a wife through my mother's matchmaking.
He's happy and she's happy, they fell in love at first sight. Perfect match!
A graph... Adrian, only you...
Right, fair point. Though if you have both, you're really sorted.
Thanks, GG! Your lucky brother... does your mum do overseas match-making, by chance...?
Love at first sight, hmmm... don't get me started...
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