Right, I'm going to confront the owner of the barking dogs. I'm going to flutter my eyelashes, bite my lip and tell him that I'm losing sleep and turning into a nervous wreck because of the noise. I'm going to press into his hand a sheaf of papers on options which I've carefully researched - a collar, taking them for long walks, the Dog Whisperer (a trainer based in Essex.)
(If all that fails, I'm going to get onto the HA and they can ASBO the fucker.)
Now I'm totally capable of looking after myself but wish I could bring a big butch man with me, not to say anything, just to lurk in the background to pass on a subliminal 'Don't mess with her', territorial message. I'm running through all the blokes I know, but they are all gentle, non-threatening aesthetic types, with arms that you could snap like twiglets. I want someone who looks like Arnie in Terminator. Do you know anyone I could borrow who exudes menace without uttering a word? If so, send them my way.
Wish me luck...
About horses
2 days ago
18 comments:
oh dear. good luck... i hope it doesn't end in tears. i love doggles. even barky ones.
I'm free.
I can't stand doggies. Want me to look forbidding?
what about lc?
I could bring my duelling pistols and whips.
Padded jackets make men look more threatening; or like they've got something to hide.
That's padded trousers, Billy.
Stopping the flow of hilarious comments to wish you loads of luck. Gone. Carry on.
So... how did it go? I've never met a dog-owner who didn't think the sun shone out of it's ass.
I would've volunteered but i sprained my wrist opening the houmous.
You should ask Bob!! He's big and he's good at dealing with people. He's just round the corner as well.
How about a tape recording of someone sounding menacing?
Jan Fennell knows what's going on. It's treating animals as animals, which should be blindingly obvious, but it's easy to get bad habits.
As regards butch men, Greavsie's on to something. Leave a tape of Henry Rollins playing around the corner and tell the guy it's your husband taking a phone call.
Thanks Rosie. I like dogs too, we used to have dogs, but he keeps them shut up by themselves in a flat all day, it's not right.
BiB, aww, bless. You are totally butch, but just in the wrong country.
GSE, you are too graceful and ladylike to be scary. LC's a big girl's blouse really.
Sar, I was thinking of Bob.
Greavsie - if I carry round a recording of someone with me, he might think I'm a nutter and move of his own accord.
Billy - do you own a padded jacket?
Thanks, Arabella!
Destructor, I chickened out. I'll go tomorrow...
Del, ha! Well exactly.
Emordino, Jan Fennell is a good tip, I'll add her details to my papers.
You don't need a butch man, Annie, you need a gorilla.
Send him and the dogs to Dog Borstal. Trainer Mic Martin is scarier than a crazed pit bull.
Gorilla Bananas, you're so right. Now where can I find a gorilla...?
Llewtrah, reality TV's got to be good for something.
Casually dropping into normal conversation that the best way to kill dogs is pulling their front legs apart could work?
Or buy a tiger. A house trained tiger.
Boz - ouch! I like the idea of buying a tiger. One of those cute white Siberian ones maybe...
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